I Hate Everything About You

I had a great week. I was fortunate enough to go to three spring training games, filled with youngsters trying to make the team and superstar players doing their thing.

Unfortunately, there are also a few jerks that linger on the baseball diamond. On the heels of writing thefoulline.com All-Pro Team of Awesomeness, I thought I’d mix it up, and come up with thefoulline.com’s All-Pro Team of Jerkiness.

And here it is.

  • Catcher: A.J. Pierzynski
    Even his own teammates don’t like him.
  • First Base: Mark Teixeira
    I’m not resentful that he spurned the Red Sox so that he could get an extra $10 million from the stupid Yankees. I just really want to punch him in his huge, ugly face whenever I see him. I accidentally drafted this d-bag in a recent mock draft. I immediately shut the computer off, my draft/day ruined.
  • Second Base: Ian Kinsler
    Has a well known feud with the far superior Dustin Pedroia. Injury prone. Needs to find a pair of baseball pants that fit him.
  • Shortstop: Stephen Drew
    J.D.’s brother… that’s enough for me.
  • Third Base: Alex Rodriguez
    Cameron Diaz fed him popcorn on national television. I’d like to feed him a knuckle sandwich. A-Fraud is captain of my d-bag team.
  • Outfield: B.J. Upton
    Million-dollar talent, 10-cent brain. If this guy ever decided to give a damn, he’d be unstoppable.
  • Outfield: Jonny Gomes
    This d-bag loves to be the third man in on someone else’s fight. Dylan and I were at a Rays game a few years ago. Gomes was playing left field (lousily I might add). We kept calling him a lard ass with a crappy arm. I’ll swear to this day that I saw a glint of a tear in his eyes. This rager is a token tough guy.
  • Outfield: Alfonso Soriano
    Easily the worst defender in baseball, makes Johnny Damon look like Roberto Clemente in his prime.  $136 million over 8 years! Really?
  • Designated Hitter: Miguel Cabrera
    I don’t care if Miggy hits 80 home runs and bats .400 this season. His decision to drive drunk and act like an idiot is inexcusable. You make $19 million a year. Hire a driver, jackass.
  • Pitcher: Tim Lincecum
    Ok, we get it. Your dad used to put a dollar bill on the ground when you were pitching to make sure you were following through… Enough of this stupid commercial. This pot smoker really needs a haircut.
    Although I do like that he tanked it down the stretch last year, ultimately foiling Dan’s season.
  • Pitcher: Matt Garza
    Spit… spit… spit… spit… spit… Garza is a big-game pitcher… spit… spit… spit… spit… has some really stupid facial hair… spit… spit… spit… and is the grossest man in baseball.
  • James Shields takes a swing at Coco Crisp
  • Pitcher: James Shields
    If you’re going to incite a baseball brawl against the smallest guy on the other team, can you at least look at what you’re swinging at?
    15 losses with a 5.18 ERA in 2010. I think we can officially lose the “Big Game James” moniker.
  • Pitcher: Carlos Zambrano
    Fighting teammates, throwing temper tantrums, going -24 in the first week of fantasy baseball — it’s the triumvirate or douchiness.
  • Pitcher: Daisuke Matsuzaka
    I can give you 100 million reasons that he’s on this list. My biggest problem is that Dice-K went 18-3 during his rookie season, then stopped throwing fastballs and started trying to nibble the corners with bad off-speed stuff. He’s chronically slow on the mound and causes his games to drag on forever. I’d rather watch a Lifetime movie marathon than watch Dice-K throw 110 pitches in 4 innings.
  • Closer: Francisco Rodriguez
    This class act berated his girlfriend and then pummeled her dad after his manager didn’t let him pitch in a game. And he looks stupid in his prescription pitching goggles.
  • Coach: John Rocker
    Racist. Redneck. Homophobe. Jerk. Remember?

There are 750 baseball players on Major League rosters. There’s bound to be a few bad apples in there.

Baseball is still the best sport in the world.

18 days.

62 Responses to “I Hate Everything About You”

  1. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    Great post Dave. Sometimes the world is just full of hate, and you have to let it out.

    Dan” You can have Lincecum this year” Mckewen

  2. Dave Says:

    Thanks Dan. I’d love to see what kind of team you’d come up with.
    I’m guessing it will be all Red Sox.

  3. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    Now now Dave, you dont really suppose im that biased do you? Tsk tsk

  4. Dave Says:

    Yes…. Yes I do.

  5. pissed off pop Says:

    ok lets talk HATE.1st is bill buckner.blew the world series. forever #1 on my hate list
    2nd buckey kiss my ass dent. hits 3 home runs his whole life . play off game with boston ,parks one, I lost a lot of money (MET HIM ONCE A NICE GUY) still #2
    3RD rich gedman former boston catcher. he is the reason baseball went on strike.he demanded and got 2 million dollars he sucks…pissed off owners
    4th johnny damon a back stabbing bitch sold us out to the MF ING yankees for 2 million more .would have made that in BOSTON DOING SHOW AND ADS he is a pussy.
    5th manny homo. hope he chokes in tampa..
    6th wade boggs went to the yankess.. enough said
    7 th the entire 50s and 60s YANKEE TEAMS.. PRICKS came to BOSTON and kicked our asses an had too much fun doing IT. I learn some great profanity over those year directed a the mick,yogi,roger, mckenny, baur, stengel larso,ford the whole stinking team …… BOY I FEEL BETTER ALL READY ………………… PS george stienbrenners whole family eat cow poop. now i am happy…THANKS DAVE

  6. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    Well I guess you will just have to wait and see wont you? I’ll get to work on the team now. Its a good day to write about how much you hate people.

  7. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    St pete friend. You happy Manny chokes in St pete…

    Still though, that post really made me laugh quite a bit.

  8. Dave Says:

    It was a lot easier to write a post on the players I like. I thought the dislike post would be good for a few laughs.
    I know I laughed a few times on pissed off Pops comment.
    Keep em coming boys!

  9. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    Dan The #1 Rays Fan’s team of duchebagness

    Catcher: A.J. Pierzynski

    Dave was right on the money with this one. This guy whines all day long, fakes falling over to get calls from umpires, and divides every locker room he enters. I will love Michael Barrett forever for punching this guy right in his jaw.

    First Base: Mark Teixera

    Im sensing a trend here, but this guy has to make this list. First he signs Scott Boras as his agent, the most evil man in baseball not named Steinbrenner. Then he lies to EVERYONE, about how he grew up an Orioles fan, and would love to return there one day. Well he had a chance, 150 million dollar contract from the team he “loves”. What does he do? Spurn his hometown team to sign with the most evil franchise in sports. This guy screams duchebag. Orioles fans throw money at him, and I love it.

    Second Base: Robinson Cano

    This guy is just too good. And he hit .450 against the Rays last year. And the Yankees didnt buy him, having brought him through the farm system themselves. There player devolepment program is supposed to suck. Finding gems in there own system when they can buy every player to hit the market is grossly unfair. And Robinson is a last name dude.

    Third Base: Adrian Beltre

    This guy bothers me. He only shows up and has good seasons in contract years when he can get paid. And his swing is ugly. You shouldnt be able to homer from your knees. And when he touch his head he tries to stab you, which is wierd.

    Shortstop: Derek Jeter

    Yea ok, he’s a nice guy. And a first ballot hall of famer. And he is Mr Novemeber, captain clutch, blah blah blah. Maybe the worst defender in baseball, yet he continues to win gold gloves somehow. And the one year I drafted him in fantasy, he has the worst season of his career. Of course he does. Captain of the Yankees, instant duche in my book.

    Outfield: Pat Burrell

    So you hit the championship winning double against the Rays in the world series, take 16 million dollars from them to do nothing but strike out, you start fights in the clubhouse, then you bitch and moan your way out of town, and you have a career resurgance and win another ring in San Francisco? I hope you get nailed in the head by a Ubaldo Jimenez fastball at 102 MPH. I hate you.

    Outfield: Coco Crisp

    Everyone knows you dont slide head first into second base. Everyone knows that but you Coco. Not to mention the fact that you were trying to steal a base up by 7 in the 8th inning, which is a duche move in itself. So bartlett blocks the bag, and you jam your wittle fingers, and you respond by spiking Aki Iwamura? Who did nothing to you? Take out your “revenge” on Bartlett and its over. But you had to drag a third party into it. You single handedly started the Rays/Red Sox brawl in 08, and you had the game tying hit in the worst moment of my baseball life in game 5 of the ALCS. You suck, and Coco Crisp is a stupid name. I wish Shields had taken your head clean off with that pathetic excuse for a punch.

    Outfield: Jason Bay

    This guy is a quiet, hard working, blue collar Canadian. He plays the game the right way, and he keeps his mouth shut. And I hate him. The ultimate Ray killer. If Boston was going to beat Tampa Bay in 2008. This guy was the reason. I dont really have any other reason than that.

    DH: Jorge Posada

    Dude, your a washed up catcher with no knees. Your using DH as a crutch. 30 years ago you would have been out of a job. Retire already.

    Pitcher: Cole Hamels

    No doubt the captain of my duchebag team. I cant stand this guy. You single handedly deny my team a world championship, who knows when we will get back there in this divison?, and then you follow it with the worst season of your career. And against the hated Yankees in the world series, you completely fall apart and hand the Yankees the title. To make matters worse, you gave up on your team, saying you wished the series was “over already” when the Phillies were down 3-1. You have no spine, your hair is ugly, and you are NOT a part of the Philles “big THREE”, no matter how much you want to be.

    Pitcher: AJ Burnett

    This guy is terrible, yet he still makes 80 million dollars. Give me 80 million dollars and I could suck just as bad. He sat out the Marlins 2003 title run yet got a ring anyway. And his tattoos look like somebody’s 5 year old drew on him. How this guy still has a job blows my mind.

    Pitcher: Tim Lincecum

    This is a bit of a love/hate relationship. Timmy has carried me to many wins in fantasy over the last two seasons. In fact, my rookie year, he was the top scoring pitcher in fantasy. Yet for two straight years, you collasped on me when I needed you most. Including the final game of the 09 season against the dreaded Yankeehaters, when you hit me with a nice -16 start in a must win game. I wont get fooled again Timmy, I have moved on!!

    Pitcher: Carlos Zambrano

    Gotta go with Dave on this one, you look like a seriel killer. I would never wanna be in a dark ally with you.

    Pitcher: Zack Greinke

    So let me get this straight. The LBC’s draft you in the 15th round, and you have one of the best seasons of all time in leading her to a division title over me. I draft you in round 3 a year later, and you blow chunks the entire year, then procceed to admit you “werent really trying” last year. Thanks alot, I sure would have liked to have known that before I drafted you. I hope you get rocked in Milwaukee.

    Closer: Jonathon Papelbon

    The no brainer of the list. All this guy does is run his mouth about everything and anything. Not to mention your not even any good anymore. When the Red Sox bring you into the game, I giggle a little bit. Take a good look at Daniel Bard Pap, because objects in the rear view mirror are closer than they appear.

    Manager: Tony LaRusssa

    Does this guy every smile? Just one of the things I dont like about him. He screams arrogance, and anyone who believes his garbage about “I didnt know my players were using steroids” is a fool. Great manager, but not high on my list of baseball people I would like to meet.

    Whew… Im glad that’s off my chest. So much venting, so much hatred expelled. Let me know what you think of my team, I know I feel better to have listed them!

  10. Dave Says:

    Without a doubt Dan…. This is the best thing you’ve written for this site. Very nice job!
    How’d I forget Pat Burrell on my team?
    Coco may have started the rays brawl.. But Joe maddon poured gasoline on it.
    I really like Cole Hamels…. A lot.
    Nice work on the Grienke research. LBC’s can fInd a bargain.
    Burnetts tattoos drawn by a 5 year old… classic
    And Tony Larussa is a total douche. I seriously thought about making him my manager. I can’t stand that guy.

  11. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    Thanks Dave. It was really hard to come up with a team of all players that I hate. It was fun writing though, I enjoyed it. Keep the writing coming, its always a great read.

    Dan” Dave you know that Cole Hamels is utterly unlikeable. Its ok to feel the hate. Let it flow through you” Mckewen

  12. allan Says:

    brooks conrad for the braves my god in game 3 of the 2010 nlds he pull a bill buckner with 1 out left that would have put us up 2-1 over the giants which lead too…..well yall know the rest lol…. I HATE HIM WITH MORE THAN A PASSION!!!!

  13. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    We all have demons, players that have ended the dream of a world championship just shy of the ultimate goal…. We’ll all have our revenge one day. Just stay patient. lol

  14. allan Says:

    well guys my draft starts at 7pm and I have the 4th pick what do yall suggest?

  15. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    At 4? Take Hanley if he’s there.

  16. Dave Says:

    Longoria?

  17. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    Kinda early?

  18. Dave Says:

    I wouldn’t take him that early… I wouldn’t care if Allan did. Lol

  19. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    I wouldnt take him that early either. He’s the best player in baseball, but im just not that sure about that early.

  20. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    I decided im not going to join another league this year. Even though you guys keep talkin about your drafts, im not going to. I want my primary focus to be one making the playoffs in my main league, thefoulline. So have fun with that, Im sticking to one league.

    My draft is at 4 tomorrow……

  21. Dave Says:

    Good luck…if I’m dominating this new league and stinking up our league. Thefoulline league is my priority.

  22. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    Thefoulline league is absolutly my priortity. 100%. Im just doing this because im bored and I wanna draft. Ill probably check this league once a week during the season. Need all that spare time to work on blockbusters in thefoulline league.

  23. Dave Says:

    How’d your draft go Allan? I want some details!

  24. allan Says:

    sorry about the wait guys just been a little busy but I feel I did pretty well. I drafted tulo with my 1st pick at 4 2nd I went with vmart 3rd I went with verlander and I kept telling myself I wouldnt go outfield early but I just couldnt pass on josh hamilton in the 4th round. I got alot of depth I landed both dan uggla and brandon phillips at 2nd base and landed buster posey so I got some good trade bait for this league. also paul konerko and I just missed getting longoria in the 2nd round by 1 pick I was pissed. my rotatioin consist of verlander,bucholtz,cahill,tim hudson and cj wilson. I didnt get the pitching I really wanted because of all the autodrafters so I kinda had to take what was left lol. but getting adrian beltre in the 8th round as a 3rd baseman was kinda bittersweet tho. my team is pretty solid I hope to trade for another ace before the year starts. I’m also hoping to do better in the real draft.

  25. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    Excellent job. Too bad you missed Longoria at pick 16, that would have been a steal. Verlander is a beast. Im currently doing my draft as we speak. Im in round 17.

  26. Dave Says:

    Longoria at 15 is retarded! That guy is definite top 10.
    As a whole, I really like your team. I’m looking forward to seeing how Dan does.

  27. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    Yea, I can already tell im locked in this year. Lets just say my first two picks were Evan Longoria and Hanley.

  28. Dave Says:

    In that order?

  29. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    Yep….. lol

  30. Dave Says:

    You’re in a league full of fools! This is not reality Dan… don’t believe the results!

  31. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    If I can skip being humble for a moment, I amazed myself with my own brilliance in this draft. I awoke this morning to find that I had pick 9. An excellent choice. When my pick arrived I was thrilled to see that Evan Longoria, Hanley and Tulo were still on the board. A triumvirate of fantasy excellence. I was going to jump at the chance to get Hanley at 9 so fast my head would spin. However, after taking a moment to regroup, I realized I should take Longoria first. Because there was a very strong chance that Longoria would be taken by the guy picking 10th. I didnt think however, that he would take BOTH SSs I wanted. So I took Longo. Sure enough, with pick 10, he took Tulo. Then with pick 11, he took….. Ryan Zimmerman. I grabbed Hanley at 12th overall and laughed myself silly. My strategy worked exactly as I had planned. Add Buster Posey, Kevin Youkilis, Dustin Pedrioa and Josh Hamilton, and you have an unstoppable ensemble of fantasy dominance. This draft was just what I needed, be alert my friends, Dan is locked in and ready to do damage. Procceed with caution.

  32. Dave Says:

    You drafted with a room full of retards. That was a fantasy land draft.
    What pitchers did you get?

  33. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    Now now Dave, Theres no reason to be jealous. Dustin Pedrioa will look mighty good in Rays Those Cowbells blue this year. In fact he looks so good, I might just take him in both my leagues. He really is a studly player Dave, he’ll help me win alot of games this year. My pitching staff is below average im sure, but with Posey and Youkilis having multiple position eligibility, I can make trades to get whatever I need.

    Yovani Gallardo
    Ryan Dempster
    Brett Anderson
    Matt Garza
    Brandon Morrow
    CJ Wilson

  34. Dave Says:

    Dont ever talk about my guy like that again!
    It’s not jealousy Dan. I just don’t want you to get your hopes up and think you’re going to duplicate this “fantasy” when the Varsity squad drafts on the 27th. I would hate to see you get frazzled and grab Ian Kinsler with the 9th pick when the “triumvirate of fantasy excellence” is off the board by pick 7. I’m glad you have a good team, but you know it’s not reality.

  35. allan Says:

    sorry bro but my rotation is better lol, but I MUST agree with dave you were in the special olympics of draft rooms lol

  36. Dave Says:

    That’s hilarious Allan! Give him hell!

  37. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    Maybe not, but I still feel good about how I drafted. If I dont win this league, I will be very upset with myself. And I would be thrilled to recieve pick 9 in our draft! And if the triumvirate of fantasy excellence is off the board, ill just get frazzled and take D Ped at 9. Sound like a good idea Dave? Then I can simply flip Pedrioa to you, for whichever of the 3 you ended up taking! I got this thing all figured out Dave, this is just like going out on the water, except your on a boogie board, and im on a jet ski.

    Dan “Just recieved my first trade offer of the year, Justin Morneau for Hanley and Garza. Oh boy this is gonna be a long year” Mckewen

  38. Dave Says:

    You just proved Allans and my theory. Youre in a league of ” special” people.
    And if you want to draft Pedroia at #9, he’s all yours!

  39. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    Allan in your championship winning league last year you got Hanley at 8. Those kids were idiots lol. And they made some stupid trades over the season. Its not just me who plays in “Special Olympic” leagues sometimes lol

  40. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    On a different note, am I the only one who HATES the new CBS layout? Can you switch it back to the old way? Its all wrong.

  41. Dave Says:

    I agree. They are trying to get all fancy with the new layout. It’s hard to navigate

  42. Ginger Parker Says:

    Oh, Dan. I have to agree with Allan, that’s the Special Olympics of draft rooms. How many of the 8 picks ahead of you were auto-drafted?

    By the way, I love the watercraft analogies. A boogie board, a jet ski, and the Love Boat. Excellent.

  43. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    8 People showed up to the draft, 2 autodrafts.

    The first round went as follows

    1) Albert Pujols
    2) Roy Halladay
    3) Miguel Cabrera
    4) Felix Hernandez
    5) Tim Lincecum
    6) Cliff Lee (autdodraft)
    7) Robinson Cano
    8) Ryan Braun (autodraft)
    9) Evan Longoria (me)
    10) Troy Tulowitski

    That’s not such a bad first round? Not to many mistakes by people. I didnt think the people I drafted with were that bad. They did ok.

  44. Dave Says:

    This definitely looks better then I iwas anticipating. Nice job

  45. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    To be honest my great lineup was really just a product of people piling up on the pitchers in early rounds. Pitchers went early and often. My pitching staff isnt too bad considering what I had left to work with when I was ready to draft pitchers. Im really excited about this team.

  46. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    As im sitting here watching some spring training game between the Chisox and Giants, it got me in a baseball mood. And with opening day only 2 weeks away, I thought I would write a piece called “Dan’s bold predictions”. Keep in mind these predictions are indeed FACT, and if you take credit for them i’ll have to take legal action against you.

    - A team that comes from nowhere will make the playoffs in the fantasy league. An established team like the Yankeehaters or Love Boat Captains will miss out.

    -The Red Sox will dominate the season series vs the Yankees, proceeding Yankee fans to start shouting that the Red Sox are buying championships. Dave will proceed to laugh at them.

    - Carl Crawford will hit .400 against the Rays this year, and steal 10 bases.

    - Adrian Gonzalez will hit over .300, but will fall short of 40 home runs, finishing with 37 homers and 114 RBIs.

    - Manny Ramirez will have more home runs than David Ortiz.

    - Manny Ramirez will hit a walk off homer against Boston this year.

    - Jose Bautista will surprise everyone, and hit 40 homers again.

    - Jonathon Papelbon will lead the majors in saves.

    - Jonathon Papelbon will lead the majors in blown saves.

    - The AL will win the All Star game in a blowout.

    - Evan Longoria will be the best player in the AL East by seasons end.

    - Dave will make the most trades in fantasy this year. Allan will be right behind him.

    - Dan will draft his best team yet, only to have the injury bug hit him harder than ever before.

    - At some point this season, Dave will have more Yankees on his team than Red Sox.

    - Dave’s dad will score the first pick in the draft.

    - Mike will compete for a playoff spot this year after having a terrible year last year.

    - Johnny Damon will continue to have the worst arm in the majors.

    - Alex Rodriguez will finally collaspe on the weight of his own duchebagness.

    - Ian Kinsler will get hurt.

    - Dan will finally win his second game against the Yankeehaters!

    - And finally, The Rays will be better than people think, and compete for a playoff spot.

    Now remember, these are facts. They WILL happen. So dont go taking credit for them when they do!

  47. allan Says:

    yea dan hanley went 8 but guys like haley, longo and tulo didnt got 8,9and 10 lol. when I drafted I didnt land superstars at the 2 hardest positions to fill in fantasy

  48. Dan the #1 Rays Fan Says:

    Guess who they are.

    Player A led his team to the world series as a rookie 3rd baseman. His second year in the big leagues, he made the all star team and hit .294 with 33 homers and 112 RBIs.

    Player B led his team to the world series as a rookie 3rd baseman. His second year in the big leagues he made the all star team and hit .281 with 33 homers and 113 RBIs.

    Who are they??

  49. allan Says:

    let me guess evan longoria. dont know the other guy but chipper wasnt too shabby either when he won the roy in 95 n actually won his world series lol

  50. Eric Says:

    Player A is Miguel Cabrera. Player B is Evan Longoria.

  51. Eric Says:

    Did I get it right dan?

  52. Dave Says:

    Guess who they are Fantasy Owner edition:

    Owner A has made the playoffs each of his first three years, clearly has an eye for talent and has been known to do one sided trades to “even” the playing field. Even with injuries to his early round picks, this guy finds a way to win every season.

    Owner B makes the claim that ” this is his year” every season only to fall short both times. Owner B likes to blame injuries,and undperforming players in clutch moments even though every othe owner experiences the same problems during the course of the season.

    Who are they?

  53. Dan The #1 Rays Fan Says:

    Can you give us a hint?

  54. Dave Says:

    A: Yankeehaters
    B: Rays those cowbells

    I’m so ready to draft!

  55. Dan The #1 Rays Fan Says:

    That’s ok Dave! I know in my heart that if anyone had the injuiries I had they wouldnt have even sniffed the playoffs! The only person who knows what im dealing with is Ginger, Who lost Ellsbury, Utley, V Mart and Tulo to injuries at some point or another last year. And she won the title. But shes a better owner than me. For now! All those injuries are a thing of the past, and everyone gets to start fresh. As you so elegantly put Dave….

    This is my year!!!

  56. allan Says:

    lmao @ dave. that was a good one bro. dan just got owned!

  57. allan Says:

    im having draft withdraws lol…..I want it….I need it….I GOTTA BHAVE IT!!!! LOL

  58. allan Says:

    HAVE*

  59. Dan The #1 Rays Fan Says:

    Maybe I did get owned… But that doesnt mean im not locked in and ready to go!

    Is it sunday yet??

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