Here’s a Roger Clemens post from Dylan. I know that you’ll all enjoy it.
-Dave

I love icing on cakes, it’s so delicious, it takes something that is already so tasty and enjoyable, and just ups the ante. As I sat, watching the Yankees get swept out of the Playoffs after putting everything they had into the last few months of the season, I was happy. But, then someone spread on the icing. It was announced during the game, that if the Yankees had won, Roger Clemens would be sat for the rest of the playoffs and the always mean Ron Villone would take his spot.

Ron Villone? Are you serious? Who is Ron Villone? Well, he has just a little bit more experience in the bigs then Moonlight Graham did in Field of Dreams. He’s made a whopping two postseason appearances. I did the research on the guy, and I was actually somewhat impressed, for someone I haven’t heard too much from, his stats are, well decent. But this Rocket Roger Clemens, the “greatest” pitcher of all time, reduced to a run-of-the mill pitcher, replaced by a more run-of-the mill guy in Ron Burgundy or whatever his name was. Point I’m making is this, we have FINALLY seen the last of Clemens. The all time active leader in wins, strikeouts, crappy cell phone adds, and being a dirty money grabbing whore, is done for.

I picture Clemens as that older duck on Ducktales that swims in the giant pool of gold coins. I’ve been sick of this guy ever since he first signed with New York, but the past few seasons have been ridiculous. Not wanting to travel with the team, a bazillion dollars for the half season he was willing to pitch, and he still can’t buy a cell phone that doesn’t get dropped calls, the commercial sucked anyways. Clemens, you’re a sellout and a money grubbing non-team player. Here at thefoulline, we’d like to say farewell to old money bags. Watching Roger, the hope of the team after the all star break, be replaced in third inning of game three was great, but seeing Ron Villone replace him for the playoffs, well, Roger that’s one thing you can’t put a price tag on.

It is with great sadness that thefoulline.com announces the passing of the once proud New York Yankees franchise. The Yankees passed away at their home last night after a long struggle with what doctors have diagnosed as suckus maximus. At the time of their death they were 104 years old.

The Yankees have called Bronx, New York, home, although they have spent considerable time over the years in Boston, Cleveland, and Tampa Bay.

Through the past seven years, the Yankees have been in poor health. Even with the best personnel that money can buy, they have not been able to recover. I think we can all remember 2004, when the Yankees had a considerable choking episode. We all thought that the end was near. But, showing their resolve, the Yankees were able to battle back to lose in the first round of the playoffs the last three seasons.

The Yankees were active in the community, participating in noted public programs such as Take a Stripper to Work Day, and hosting 55,000 unemployed high school dropouts at Yankee Stadium 81 days a year. The Yankees have even allowed a mentally challenged man to run the franchise since 1972. They were true philanthropists.

The Yankees are survived by Melky Cabrera, Wilson Betemit, Ron Villone and Shelley Duncan.

There will be a viewing in Tampa, Florida, in February 2008. In lieu of flowers, family members are asking for donations to be made to:
The Roger Clemens Institute for Money Grubbing Whores
21 Traitor Way
Cash, TX 28,000,000

Webster’s Dictionary defines class as “high quality: elegance”.

I received an anonymous email from a grammatically challenged Yankee fan yesterday stating the following:

“The Red sox have a culture of losing -They are a perenially dirty , arrogant group of misfit losers that continually and historically underachieve. Their fans have the same mentality-Regardless if they advance or not- the Yankees are a much classier group of winners -GO YANKS!!!!”

Now I take anything a so-called Yankee fan says with a grain of salt. These are the biggest bunch of fair-weathered bandwagon jumpers you will find in all of sports. But I thought it was odd for someone to comment on a team being underachievers when they had just won their division a week before. Not to mention, when was the last time New York won the World Series? Shouldn’t $195 million guarantee a championship every year?

As far as the “dirty” comment, I admit that some of the Sox players are disheveled, with pine tar on their helmets and baggy pants. But I don’t think having pine tar on your helmets is any dirtier than having your all-star third baseman banging a stripper while his wife is at home taking care of their three-year-old daughter. But that’s just me.

On the subject of the Yankees being classier: Sure they look pretty in their pinstripes, with their perfectly coiffed hair and lack of facial stubble, but how classy is it when your owner tells the manager, right before one of the biggest games of the year, that he needs to win or he’s out. Joe Torre is dealing with enough pressure to turn his team around. He doesn’t need a whack job micro-manager on his case too. New York is more worried about what the package looks like on the outside than what the quality of the person is on the inside. When is the last time you’ve heard anything negative in the tabloids about the Red Sox ownership or players?

It’s not even worth getting into a debate with some Yankee fans. They have an “I’m better than you” attitude, and that’s never going to change.

But what do I know? I’m just a dirty, arrogant, underachieving, classless misfit loser. But I’m loyal, and I’ve never jumped on the winning bandwagon.

This whole thing leaves a sour taste in my mouth, like a bowl of rotten lemon Jell-o.

Dear Yankee fans,

I wanted to write a quick note to you all during your time of need. I know how hard it must be to get destroyed by a team you usually have success against. A 12-3 loss in a playoff game must be devastating. I don’t know if you will ever be able recover from this.

To make matters worse, this is the fifth playoff game your beloved Yankees have lost in row. It is so sad to see this once proud franchise struggling. Here is what concerns me: I fear that this might be just the beginning of the Yankee demise. After backing into the playoffs, your team is on the verge of losing such notable players as Alex Rodriguez, Mariano Rivera, and Jorge Posada to free-agency. I don’t see how losing these players could possibly help your situation.

I do have one great idea. I would make every attempt to re-sign Roger Clemens. This guy has been a rock for your ballclub this year, worth every penny of his $28 million salary. Even with his 6-6 record and 4.18 ERA, re-signing this guy needs to be a priority. It doesn’t matter that he’s 58 years old. Age shouldn’t matter. What matters is that this guy is still willing to pimp himself out to the highest bidder, even if his best days are long over.

I know Yankee fans support their team through the good times and the bad, and would never jump off the bandwagon in the their time of need. And with the Mets sucking almost as bad as the Yankees, where could a New Yorker possibly turn to in this desperate hour?

Here at thefoulline.com, I want you to know that we are here for you during your time of need. Since a World Series title seems like such an impossibility any time in the future, I thought maybe you could take a walk down memory lane, and talk about the Yankees’ 26 rings. Even though none have come in this decade, I can appreciate how reliable this argument is for you as a crutch.

I hope that you find comfort in this letter, and know that in the past your franchise was once great. But the time has come to take a long look into the mirror and say those nine words that will ease your sorrows: “I should have been born a Red Sox fan.”

Take care, and enjoy your rapidly approaching offseason.

Dave
thefoulline.com

I hate the New York Yankees. I’ve stated this countless times on this blog. I will never change this opinion.

After last night’s game, the Yankees could have gone to the nearest Tampa Bay orphanage and handed out milk and cookies to the kids and I would still despise them. Instead, New York decided to act like a bunch of idiots. After beating the Devil Rays and limping into the playoffs, the Yankees partied like it was 1999. For a storied franchise, winners of 26 World Series titles, to spray champagne and cry like a bunch of girls was pathetic. Was their only goal this season to back into the playoffs? Please tell me Joe Torre has more planned for this team.

I know of another AL East team that had clinched a playoff spot while playing Tampa recently. They celebrated by toasting each other with a glass of champagne. They know that this is not the end of the road, and that there will be more celebrating before this season is over.

I’m tired of Yankee fans spouting off about how New York has 26 rings and is the greatest franchise in sports.

It’s easy to say you’re the classiest. I think it’s time for the Yankees to start acting like it.