It is with great sadness that thefoulline.com announces the passing of the once proud New York Yankees franchise. The Yankees passed away at their home last night after a long struggle with what doctors have diagnosed as suckus maximus. At the time of their death they were 104 years old.

The Yankees have called Bronx, New York, home, although they have spent considerable time over the years in Boston, Cleveland, and Tampa Bay.

Through the past seven years, the Yankees have been in poor health. Even with the best personnel that money can buy, they have not been able to recover. I think we can all remember 2004, when the Yankees had a considerable choking episode. We all thought that the end was near. But, showing their resolve, the Yankees were able to battle back to lose in the first round of the playoffs the last three seasons.

The Yankees were active in the community, participating in noted public programs such as Take a Stripper to Work Day, and hosting 55,000 unemployed high school dropouts at Yankee Stadium 81 days a year. The Yankees have even allowed a mentally challenged man to run the franchise since 1972. They were true philanthropists.

The Yankees are survived by Melky Cabrera, Wilson Betemit, Ron Villone and Shelley Duncan.

There will be a viewing in Tampa, Florida, in February 2008. In lieu of flowers, family members are asking for donations to be made to:
The Roger Clemens Institute for Money Grubbing Whores
21 Traitor Way
Cash, TX 28,000,000

Webster’s Dictionary defines class as “high quality: elegance”.

I received an anonymous email from a grammatically challenged Yankee fan yesterday stating the following:

“The Red sox have a culture of losing -They are a perenially dirty , arrogant group of misfit losers that continually and historically underachieve. Their fans have the same mentality-Regardless if they advance or not- the Yankees are a much classier group of winners -GO YANKS!!!!”

Now I take anything a so-called Yankee fan says with a grain of salt. These are the biggest bunch of fair-weathered bandwagon jumpers you will find in all of sports. But I thought it was odd for someone to comment on a team being underachievers when they had just won their division a week before. Not to mention, when was the last time New York won the World Series? Shouldn’t $195 million guarantee a championship every year?

As far as the “dirty” comment, I admit that some of the Sox players are disheveled, with pine tar on their helmets and baggy pants. But I don’t think having pine tar on your helmets is any dirtier than having your all-star third baseman banging a stripper while his wife is at home taking care of their three-year-old daughter. But that’s just me.

On the subject of the Yankees being classier: Sure they look pretty in their pinstripes, with their perfectly coiffed hair and lack of facial stubble, but how classy is it when your owner tells the manager, right before one of the biggest games of the year, that he needs to win or he’s out. Joe Torre is dealing with enough pressure to turn his team around. He doesn’t need a whack job micro-manager on his case too. New York is more worried about what the package looks like on the outside than what the quality of the person is on the inside. When is the last time you’ve heard anything negative in the tabloids about the Red Sox ownership or players?

It’s not even worth getting into a debate with some Yankee fans. They have an “I’m better than you” attitude, and that’s never going to change.

But what do I know? I’m just a dirty, arrogant, underachieving, classless misfit loser. But I’m loyal, and I’ve never jumped on the winning bandwagon.

This whole thing leaves a sour taste in my mouth, like a bowl of rotten lemon Jell-o.

Dear Yankee fans,

I wanted to write a quick note to you all during your time of need. I know how hard it must be to get destroyed by a team you usually have success against. A 12-3 loss in a playoff game must be devastating. I don’t know if you will ever be able recover from this.

To make matters worse, this is the fifth playoff game your beloved Yankees have lost in row. It is so sad to see this once proud franchise struggling. Here is what concerns me: I fear that this might be just the beginning of the Yankee demise. After backing into the playoffs, your team is on the verge of losing such notable players as Alex Rodriguez, Mariano Rivera, and Jorge Posada to free-agency. I don’t see how losing these players could possibly help your situation.

I do have one great idea. I would make every attempt to re-sign Roger Clemens. This guy has been a rock for your ballclub this year, worth every penny of his $28 million salary. Even with his 6-6 record and 4.18 ERA, re-signing this guy needs to be a priority. It doesn’t matter that he’s 58 years old. Age shouldn’t matter. What matters is that this guy is still willing to pimp himself out to the highest bidder, even if his best days are long over.

I know Yankee fans support their team through the good times and the bad, and would never jump off the bandwagon in the their time of need. And with the Mets sucking almost as bad as the Yankees, where could a New Yorker possibly turn to in this desperate hour?

Here at thefoulline.com, I want you to know that we are here for you during your time of need. Since a World Series title seems like such an impossibility any time in the future, I thought maybe you could take a walk down memory lane, and talk about the Yankees’ 26 rings. Even though none have come in this decade, I can appreciate how reliable this argument is for you as a crutch.

I hope that you find comfort in this letter, and know that in the past your franchise was once great. But the time has come to take a long look into the mirror and say those nine words that will ease your sorrows: “I should have been born a Red Sox fan.”

Take care, and enjoy your rapidly approaching offseason.

Dave
thefoulline.com

The Boston Red Sox are the American League East champions for the first time since 1995. I’m pretty excited. It’s great to see Boston stick it to New York once again.

The playoffs start next week. Let’s check out why it’s important that Boston won the East.

1. Most importantly: bragging rights over the Yankees. So close, but yet so far, Yankee fans. Another gag job by Mariano Rivera in the 9th inning against the woeful Baltimore Orioles was a thing of beauty. This guy has not been himself all year. Let’s hope this crushes his confidence going into the post season.
2. Home field advantage is nice. The Green Monster, Fenway Franks, sleeping in your own bed. Not to mention Boston is 50-29 at home this year which is a big plus.
3. Boston gets to play the Angels. This is the match-up I was hoping for. Boston should beat up on the Angels pretty easily, leaving Cleveland to manhandle the Yankees at Jacobs Field.
4. Did I mention that Boston now has bragging rights once again over the Yankees?

The Red Sox have not taken anything for granted this season. They have busted their asses all year. They have their eyes on the prize. I don’t see them letting up.

The Yankees were hoping to clinch the wild card last night. Unfortunately, Boston and Tampa Bay didn’t cooperate, so I guess we’ll have to play a few more.

The Yankees were up partying early into Thursday morning after their epic playoff-clinching win. It was so bad for New York, they elected not to show up in Tampa for batting practice. To reinforce that the Yankees were content to just make the playoffs, Joe Torre sat A-Rod, Jeter, Abreu, and Posada and replaced them with big game players Wilson Betemit, Alberto Gonzales (the crappy backup shortstop, not the disgraced Attorney General), Bronson Sardinha, and Jose Molina. Can you imagine buying tickets to a Major League baseball game and finding this lineup? Why didn’t New York just trot out their AAA team from Scranton Wilkes-Barre?

Boston, on the other hand, decided to show some pride and play their everyday lineup in hopes to win the AL East. Although the spirit was willing, the Red Sox just didn’t have it last night. Beckett looked un-Cy Young-like, leaving his fastball in the middle of the plate and overthrowing the ball. Mike Lowell hit into two double plays, killing two Boston rallies. And Boston left 12 guys on base. I’m giving Beckett and Lowell a free pass on last night’s loss. They have been the two best Red Sox players this year and are entitled to one bad game. Let’s hope that it’s now out of their systems, and they will go back to carrying this team on the way to the World Series.

The Yankees play in Baltimore tonight, if they weren’t at Mons Venus too late last night celebrating another win against the AL East cellar dwellers.

I hate the New York Yankees. I’ve stated this countless times on this blog. I will never change this opinion.

After last night’s game, the Yankees could have gone to the nearest Tampa Bay orphanage and handed out milk and cookies to the kids and I would still despise them. Instead, New York decided to act like a bunch of idiots. After beating the Devil Rays and limping into the playoffs, the Yankees partied like it was 1999. For a storied franchise, winners of 26 World Series titles, to spray champagne and cry like a bunch of girls was pathetic. Was their only goal this season to back into the playoffs? Please tell me Joe Torre has more planned for this team.

I know of another AL East team that had clinched a playoff spot while playing Tampa recently. They celebrated by toasting each other with a glass of champagne. They know that this is not the end of the road, and that there will be more celebrating before this season is over.

I’m tired of Yankee fans spouting off about how New York has 26 rings and is the greatest franchise in sports.

It’s easy to say you’re the classiest. I think it’s time for the Yankees to start acting like it.

Oh, Manny. You came and you gave without taking, and I pushed you away. Oh, Manny.

O.K., I promise that will be the last Barry Manilow reference that you’ll ever see on this blog. You have to understand, my mom was a huge Manilow fan and would play the hell out of his 8-tracks. It’s burned in my brain. I’m not proud of it.

Anyhow, Manny was back in the lineup last night, and it was good to have him back. I’ve said a lot of negative things about Manny this season. I still think he quit on his team for 25 games. I still think that 2008 is his last year in Boston, and I still think he is a mental midget that looks like the Predator. With that being said, Manny does add a lot to the batting order. Just for his reputation alone, any young pitcher throwing to Man-Ram is going to be sweating bullets. And he looked pretty good last night. He hit a nice line drive in the first inning and drew a walk later in the game before being removed. Manny is always going to be Manny, but if he’s the Manny of the 2004 playoffs, I’ll deal with it.

Other notables from last night’s game: Schilling was solid again for 6 innings. J.D. Drew was 3 for 4 and drew a bases-loaded walk. Ellsbury added 2 more RBIs, and Papi added some insurance in the 8th inning. Also, even though he went 0 for 2 on the night, it was really good to see Youkilis back in the lineup.

How great was it to see the D’Rays battle back from a 5-0 deficit to beat the Yankees 7-6 in 10 innings? New York has played a lot of extra inning games lately. Let’s hope their tank is empty when the playoffs roll around.

The Yankees may be singing “Looks Like We Made It” now, but at this rate they’ll be watching the playoffs on TV.

Do they show MLB at the Copacabana?

If Boston holds on and wins the AL East, they will face the Cleveland Indians. There is good and bad news with this scenario. First of all, the Indians only claim to be from one city, which reduces confusion. Secondly, New York would end up playing the Angels, which could be really interesting.

The Yankees don’t match up well with the Angels. Here is an interesting fact: the Angels are the only team in the major leagues to have a winning record against the Yankees since Joe Torre became New York’s manager in 1996. Not to mention, it would be great to see the Yankees bust their asses to get into the playoffs only to lose in the first round.

Now the bad news. There are two things that scare me in a 5-game series against Cleveland.

1. C.C. Sabathia
2. Fausto Carmona

Both of these guys are legitimate #1 starters. They both have 18 wins and sub-3.20 ERAs. They challenge hitters and are fearless. Add Grady Sizemore, Travis Hafner, and Casey Blake, and you’ll see the Indians are for real. What Boston has going for them is they’ve been in the playoffs before and have big-game players in Big Papi, Josh Beckett and Curt Schilling. The Indians’ lineup is young and untested. The playoffs are a whole new ball game. Teams that are great in the regular season sometimes crumble on the big stage. This could be a big opportunity for them to showcase their talent.

As a Red Sox fan, which scenario would you prefer?

Have you ever noticed that Yankee fans are only fans when their team is winning? Earlier this season, when New York was 14 games out of first place, there were no Yankee fans to be found. I have friends who are Yankee fans, and they would act like they had no idea that the season even begun. These guys would say stuff like, “I don’t follow baseball anymore,” or “I’ve always been a Mets fan,” knowing damn well that their team was stinking up the American League.

Unfortunately, with the recent success of the Evil Empire, the Yankees’ obnoxious, foulmouthed fans are back out of their parents’ basements and cheering on the boys in pinstripes. Over the past month, Yankee fans are suddenly back on the bandwagon. My friends are back to wearing their Yankee caps, spouting how great Joba Chamberlain is, being the fair-weathered fans that I’ve grown accustomed to. It’s going to be really fun to see them go back in their holes when Boston wins the division.

During my trip to Disney World this week, I was in a gift shop with my 3-year-old daughter. I was wearing my Red Sox hat, minding my own business, when a fat, hairy woman who looked like she belonged on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride came up to me and said, “The Red Sox are choking! Ha ha, cackle cackle.” Which was really original. After looking at her name tag, which said “Helga, Bronx, New York,” I replied “You must be a Yankee fan”. She snorted, “Yeah, 26 rings, they’re the best.” Now, there should be a rule: if you’re fat and ugly, you should at least have a good personality. She had none of the above. I wasn’t planning on getting into a debate with this crazy broad over the Red Sox/Yankees history, but then my daughter looked up from the Mr. Potato Head she was checking out and said, “Daddy, the Yankees stink.”

And that’s the difference between Red Sox fans and Yankee fans. Even the youngest Sox fans don’t know what a bandwagon is.

It is so much easier to write this blog when the Red Sox are winning. What makes it even more enjoyable is when it coincides with a Yankee loss. The lead is now at a whopping 2 1/2 games, with 8 left to play.

What else can be said about Josh Beckett that hasn’t already been said? This guy is a warrior who never backs down from a challenge. His last two starts, he has put the team on his shoulders and stopped losing streaks. Even when he doesn’t have his best stuff, he finds a way to win. And to be the first 20-game winner in the big leagues since 2005 makes it even sweeter.

Varitek, Papi and Lowell hitting the long ball was a nice change. It’s good to finally see some offense after the debacle in Toronto. Even with Mr. “It takes me 3 times as long as anyone else to heal from an oblique injury” Ramirez on the bench, Boston still was able to score 8 runs. Maybe the Sox play better in America.

Jacoby Ellsbury going all out for a foul ball was once of the best catches I’ve seen this year. Not only did he have to contend with the Boston pitchers and bullpen chairs strewn about, but he tripped over one of the pitching mounds and still made the catch. This reminds of the time Manny hustled and made that great… uh… never mind. Anyhow, it seems like Ellsbury does something significant every game. Whether it’s a great catch, stolen base or timely hit, this kid has been really enjoyable to watch.

I have to admit that seeing Boston’s lineup before the game wasn’t making me very confident that they were going to stop this losing streak. Anytime I see Bobby Kielty batting fifth, I get a little nervous. But even after striking out 17 times last night, the Sox still came up with a huge win.

Quick note: The Yankees lost in a marathon game to my favorite Canadian team last night, with both Mariano Rivera and Joba the Hut pitching, which should make them unavailable for today’s game. They now need to wake up early for a 1 o’clock game today against Toronto and noted Red Sox killer Dustin McGowan. I hope they enjoyed their 4 hours of sleep.