I Hate Everything About You

I had a great week. I was fortunate enough to go to three spring training games, filled with youngsters trying to make the team and superstar players doing their thing.

Unfortunately, there are also a few jerks that linger on the baseball diamond. On the heels of writing thefoulline.com All-Pro Team of Awesomeness, I thought I’d mix it up, and come up with thefoulline.com’s All-Pro Team of Jerkiness.

And here it is.

  • Catcher: A.J. Pierzynski
    Even his own teammates don’t like him.
  • First Base: Mark Teixeira
    I’m not resentful that he spurned the Red Sox so that he could get an extra $10 million from the stupid Yankees. I just really want to punch him in his huge, ugly face whenever I see him. I accidentally drafted this d-bag in a recent mock draft. I immediately shut the computer off, my draft/day ruined.
  • Second Base: Ian Kinsler
    Has a well known feud with the far superior Dustin Pedroia. Injury prone. Needs to find a pair of baseball pants that fit him.
  • Shortstop: Stephen Drew
    J.D.’s brother… that’s enough for me.
  • Third Base: Alex Rodriguez
    Cameron Diaz fed him popcorn on national television. I’d like to feed him a knuckle sandwich. A-Fraud is captain of my d-bag team.
  • Outfield: B.J. Upton
    Million-dollar talent, 10-cent brain. If this guy ever decided to give a damn, he’d be unstoppable.
  • Outfield: Jonny Gomes
    This d-bag loves to be the third man in on someone else’s fight. Dylan and I were at a Rays game a few years ago. Gomes was playing left field (lousily I might add). We kept calling him a lard ass with a crappy arm. I’ll swear to this day that I saw a glint of a tear in his eyes. This rager is a token tough guy.
  • Outfield: Alfonso Soriano
    Easily the worst defender in baseball, makes Johnny Damon look like Roberto Clemente in his prime.  $136 million over 8 years! Really?
  • Designated Hitter: Miguel Cabrera
    I don’t care if Miggy hits 80 home runs and bats .400 this season. His decision to drive drunk and act like an idiot is inexcusable. You make $19 million a year. Hire a driver, jackass.
  • Pitcher: Tim Lincecum
    Ok, we get it. Your dad used to put a dollar bill on the ground when you were pitching to make sure you were following through… Enough of this stupid commercial. This pot smoker really needs a haircut.
    Although I do like that he tanked it down the stretch last year, ultimately foiling Dan’s season.
  • Pitcher: Matt Garza
    Spit… spit… spit… spit… spit… Garza is a big-game pitcher… spit… spit… spit… spit… has some really stupid facial hair… spit… spit… spit… and is the grossest man in baseball.
  • James Shields takes a swing at Coco Crisp
  • Pitcher: James Shields
    If you’re going to incite a baseball brawl against the smallest guy on the other team, can you at least look at what you’re swinging at?
    15 losses with a 5.18 ERA in 2010. I think we can officially lose the “Big Game James” moniker.
  • Pitcher: Carlos Zambrano
    Fighting teammates, throwing temper tantrums, going -24 in the first week of fantasy baseball — it’s the triumvirate or douchiness.
  • Pitcher: Daisuke Matsuzaka
    I can give you 100 million reasons that he’s on this list. My biggest problem is that Dice-K went 18-3 during his rookie season, then stopped throwing fastballs and started trying to nibble the corners with bad off-speed stuff. He’s chronically slow on the mound and causes his games to drag on forever. I’d rather watch a Lifetime movie marathon than watch Dice-K throw 110 pitches in 4 innings.
  • Closer: Francisco Rodriguez
    This class act berated his girlfriend and then pummeled her dad after his manager didn’t let him pitch in a game. And he looks stupid in his prescription pitching goggles.
  • Coach: John Rocker
    Racist. Redneck. Homophobe. Jerk. Remember?

There are 750 baseball players on Major League rosters. There’s bound to be a few bad apples in there.

Baseball is still the best sport in the world.

18 days.

The Winner Takes It All, Week 1

Well boys and girl, we have the first week of the inaugural thefoulline.com fantasy baseball league in the books. The competition is fierce so far with several teams putting up some solid numbers. Since this is an off day for the Red Sox, here is a brief synopsis of what I saw from each of the fantasy teams this week. In no particular order:

  • My Best Efforts: This is a pretty well-rounded team from top to bottom. They had the best individual performance from any pitcher so far with Jake Peavy and his whopping 63.5 points. If they add a catcher that is actually in the major leagues, they could be a force this year.
  • Lessthanzero: An up-and-down week from our neighbor to the north. He had a big week from Derek Lee, Alex Gordon, and Corey “I wear my sunglasses at night” Hart. LTZ is going to need first-round fantasy pick Erik Bedard to rebound from his minor hip injury, and for Jose Reyes to play to his potential for this team to make a serious run.
  • SarasotaRedRays: Featuring Prince Fielder, David Ortiz, and Kenji Johjima, team SRR has probably the most out of shape team in the league. He was able to get good fantasy numbers from Carlos Zambrano and Bobby Jenks. Even with J.J. Putz missing time this week and a bench in need of some work, SarasotaRedRays still performed well enough to earn 316.83 points and a third place finish.
  • Bostonbad boys: This team may have the best pitching staff in the league featuring Johan Santana, Brandon Webb, and Dice K. Unfortunately, this team may stay unchanged all season because my dad forgot how to log in to the site. It’s tough getting old.
  • Boston Braves: This team had a mediocre week from its big three, Ryan Howard, Russell Martin, and Aramis Ramirez. This team’s saving grace was a good week from its closers. I expect a big week for these guys next week after a blockbuster trade with the YankeeHaters (pending league approval).
  • The Showstoppers: Theo Epstein’s prodigy Matt McLaughlin’s team is the league leader in points for the first week, with good numbers from every position. If he can upgrade his catcher, I don’t see anyone beating him any time soon.
  • Rogers Syringe: This team is in trouble. Although it may look good on paper to have seven shortstops, pitching is also important. Dylan threw caution to the wind this week, fielding only 13 out of a possible 16 positions. He’s either the most confidant G.M., or the craziest. This team needs to be blown up and reassembled. Does anyone need a shortstop?
  • Chickenheads: This team had the second most points this week and will be a serious contender if he keeps his team intact. With A-Rod and Pujols in the lineup, and an above-average pitching staff, this team won’t be laying any eggs anytime soon.
  • Yankeehaters: I like the look of my team. After a blockbuster trade with the Chickenheads, the additions of Fausto Carmona and Josh Hamilton paid immediate dividends. My impatience with my players and the desire to make at least one mega-deal a week may be my downfall. I may regret dealing Manny Ramirez.
  • Love Boat Captains: After a strong draft from our only woman in the league, Team LBC had an up-and-down week. Placido Polanco was a huge disappointment, going from 2007 All-Star to a two-point benchwarmer for week 2. It took a few games for stars Matt Holliday, Vernon Wells and Torii Hunter to regain their stroke from last year. A solid 35.5 points from Pirate Ian Snell (who??) made this a respectable week for LBC. This is a good team that will play better in weeks to come.

What do you think of the season so far?