Eat for Two

My favorite time of the baseball season is right around the corner. No, not the annual American League ass-kicking of the National League in the All Star game. I’m talking about the Major League trade deadline, the time of year when teams make that final push towards the postseason. It’s a time when the hopes and dreams for your team are renewed. The time when general managers and scouts determine which player is a must-have, and who will be the final piece to the World Series puzzle.

It was announced this morning that the Milwaukee Brewers have already made a huge splash in the trade market with the acquisition of C.C. Sabathia. And when I say it was a huge move, I mean gigantic. And when I say gigantic, I mean FAT.

Have you seen Chocolate Cake Sabathia lately? This dude gets fatter every time I see him. What was Brewers GM Doug Melvin thinking, bringing him to the land of bratwurst, cheese curds and dark beer? That’s like sending a diabetic to work for Willy Wonka. This part-time rental is not going to end well.

Sabathia is a great regular-season pitcher, with 19 wins and a Cy Young Award in 2007. But when Chunk-Butt pitches in October, his ERA climbs to an abysmal 7.17. Combine that with fellow lard-ass and big-game blower Eric Gagne closing games, and it’s good night Milwaukee.

My only question is this: Which will be higher, C.C.’s ERA, or his cholesterol?